There’s a lot of talk in the spiritual world of awakening about spirit vs. ego.
I myself have written about it a lot.
It’s true, in Spirit we are free, and in ego, we are chained.
Spirit = love, ego = fear.
And on and on.
And I think because of these basic truths about spirit and ego there can be a tendency to demonize the idea of the ego: to be ashamed of it, to fight it, to be afraid of it.
And yesterday I had an epiphany: I absolutely LOVE my ego. I’m grateful for it. I don’t want it to go away.
Before you think I’ve gone crazy, let me unpack this for you. If you’re anything like me, I think this post will REALLY uplift you today. So open your heart, open your mind, and join me on a crazy ride.
I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I think the core of who I am, is LOVE. Spirit. Joy. Peace.
I think I existed long before I came into this body. And I believe at our core, in Spirit, we are all connected. We are ONE.
But for some reason, right now, I have chosen to have a human experience.
And in this life on earth, in this THRILLING portion of my eternal existence, I am named Noelle. I am human. I’m tall, I have long hair with a pink streak, I’m sensitive, passionate, and crazy emotional. I have BIG DREAMS. I’m excited to have a huge impact on our world. I see myself on stages inspiring huge crowds of people and doing big music tours. I’m so excited for the world to know who I am and to have lots of money and to make a GIGANTIC change in our world.
I want to inspire as many people as I possibly can.
I love sex and movies and walks on the beach and I love getting angry and experiencing anxiety and even pain. For me, this is all what makes me human.
I love coffee. I love journaling and being alone. I cry VERY easily. I have small boobs and now I’m so happy about that! I don’t wear bras anymore AT ALL. I’ve learned to love the hair on my legs.
I LOVE being in a best friend extremely close relationship with my life partner. I love cuddling with Vince and I love having space from Vince.
I love that I’m special and unique and different from every other human in existence, throughout time. I love that I can feel other people’s energies, and that I have to limit my time around other humans in order to fully be me.
I love that one day I can watch a clip of me singing and feel like I’m a horrible singer, and the next day I can watch the same clip and feel that I’m one of the best singers in the world.
I love that I’m extreme and dramatic and that I deeply care about people, but that I’m able to set amazingly strong boundaries for myself whenever I need to.
I love every part of me, including my ego.
My ego – my anxiety, fear, pain – is one of the greatest gifts I have. I LOVE when I get offended or start to feel really heavy about something, because I choose to see it as a treasure hunt. My ego is leading me to a truth I need to find.
So I say, “Ah ha! I feel heavy. I feel sad, I feel depressed. Ok ego, where are you leading me?”
And I go to my journal and delve into it, deeper and deeper, until I hit the light and the joy and the release. And my ego leads me to an AMAZING revelation, like the one I’m sharing with you right now.
You see? My Spirit works in tandem with my ego. There is nothing to fear about ego. When we squash the ego, it will just fester and cry out until we listen to it.
I choose to listen, and then I am catapulted into deeper freedom and joy than I had BEFORE the pain or the heaviness.
I don’t have the GOAL, like some do, to transcend my ego and leave it behind. I WANT to be human. I LOVE being human. I can feel on top of the world one day, fully in spirit and alive and joyful, and that’s amazing.
But then the next day I can have a huge fight with Vince and feel all kinds of pain and anger, and deal with it and struggle with it and listen to my feelings and allow myself to FEEL all of it, and it feels fucking incredible. To just FEEEEEEEL. And then as I embrace everything I feel, Vince and I enter a new level of passion and freedom and it’s all just AWESOME. The shit, the fights, the anger, the pain, the fear – when else are we going to experience all of these amazing emotions? This is our time, people. We’re HUMAN!
So I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to absorb into the whole, and become a blob of Spirit with everyone else. I want to be different, special, unique. I embrace ALL my desires. I embrace that I’m a leader, not a joiner. And I honor whatever YOU want to be. I honor YOUR humanity.
And if you’d rather meditate and levitate and become ONE with everyone else and live completely in Spirit transcending your ego every moment, then I say, “More power to you! That’s amazing! I honor you.”
It’s just not for me, at least not right now.
I’m not there yet, and I’m ok with that.
Right now, I’m loving both the joy and the pain, the light and the dark, the soaring and the grounding, the yin and the yang, of being fully and uniquely ME.