A deep life-long shame has been coming to the surface of my heart lately. It’s a recurring theme, this particular shame, and it’s been the catalyst for 2 of the biggest spiritual awakenings in my life. And yet, here it is again, something I thought was gone . . . rearing its ugly head, making me feel unworthy and unhealthy and stupid and a host of other very unpleasant feelings. So I decided it was time to get rid of this thing for good. I decided it’s time to fully HEAL this part of myself that is causing the shame. I wrote in my journal . . .
“I reject this shame. I don’t want it any more! I want to feel GOOD about who I am. I want to be whole. No More Shame. Show me the way.”
And something very unexpected happened in my journal this morning, in response to that intention.
I had the thought:
“What if I’m not supposed to get rid of it? What if I’m not supposed to accept this part of myself as something that I just have to manage? What IF this part of myself is actually GOOD? What IF this part of myself is actually a STRENGTH and NOT a weakness or a flaw? What IF I’ve simply accepted a story about this part of myself that makes me feel ashamed of it, but it’s actually something I can celebrate and enjoy?”
Waves of excitement and freedom and curiosity and joy began flooding over me. And I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge of one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life. So here it is.
My biggest shame has always been this:
I live a dramatic life. I feel everything deeply and express my emotions freely. One moment I’m working in a corporate job and it’s the best thing in the world and the next I’m taking off to live in a van and travel the country with very little money. I live an up and down life. One moment I’m in love with someone, and the next moment we break up and I’m exploring a whole nother side of myself. And then we get back together more in love than ever. One day I love alcohol, and the next I don’t drink at all. And then a month later I love it again.
What I realized this morning, is that none of this is a NEGATIVE thing about me. It’s only causing me pain if I decide this is not a “healthy” way to live. I realized that I’ve blindly accepted the judgments of a world that doesn’t understand me.
Suddenly, I’m seeing myself in a whole new light. I’m kind of falling in love with this part of myself.
Yes, I’m wild! I’m adventurous! I’m passionate!
I soak up every moment of this life I’ve been granted. I feel pain deeply, I feel joy deeply, I have new experiences every day that bring me glorious new insights. And not only THAT . . . I’m kind of a Bad-Ass because I vulnerably share my passionate bleeding wild heart with all of you, in the midst of harsh criticisms.
What standard have I been using to judge myself for being so adventurous? Do I really want to be STEADY and STABLE and PREDICTABLE? That’s great for someone who chooses that and wants that, but the truth is I do NOT want that. I LOVE being wild and free and nomadic and exploratory and passionate and adventurous. I LOVE that I’m always open to change ANYTHING in my life, at any moment. I LOVE that I throw my entire heart into everything I do and into every man I love. I am ECSTATIC about the life I’ve chosen. I’m soaking the marrow out of this thing. I’m BRAVE.
We are all choosing a story. Do you have something you’re ashamed of? Who told you to be ashamed of it? I think the people who judge my roller-coaster wild-ride-of-a-life the most, are the ones who are afraid of adventure themselves. Maybe they WISH they could be more courageous and free and spontaneous. Either way, all that matters is what NOELLE thinks about my choices.
And today I’m realizing something so liberating I can hardly stand it. I’m HAPPY with myself! I’m PROUD of myself! I LOVE my life! I CELEBRATE all these parts of myself!
When it comes right down to it, I’m the one who decides what determines success for me. No more giving my power away to someone else to define success for me. They are not living MY life.
For me, success is “being fully and fearlessly ME”.
And I am doing that. I’m living the hell out of this life I have.
Authentically. Vulnerably. Courageously.
So now I’m suddenly thankful for that shame. It was screaming out to me all these years . . . it just wanted me to turn it upside down and discover that the thing I’ve been hiding my whole life is now the very thing I’m EXCITED TO BOLDLY SHARE!!!
THIS IS ME.
What are YOU ashamed of? Can you choose a different story today and set yourself free? This is your life. Why not try living it the way YOU choose? Who knows how many days you have left to choose? I think the biggest shame would be getting to the end of your life, unfulfilled, realizing you could have simply chosen a different story. I love you!