This is normally the day I would record the Coffee Time talk show to get it out to you by Friday, but I’m not feeling the energy for it, so I’m writing to you instead. Don’t worry, the coffee will be “brewing” very soon, but I always follow my inspiration and joy rather than sticking to expected schedules. The energy that flows through me to speak on Coffee Time is way beyond my little human self or capabilities, so I’m pretty much at the mercy of Divine inspiration for the timing of that show. And yet, I have so much to tell you, so here we are!
If you followed my roller-coaster journey in 2017, you know how much I struggled with letting go of Vince, my husband and partner of 8 years. I tried everything to let go of him and I really didn’t understand why the attachment to him continued. I did everything I could think of. I cried out to God for the answers, for why he stayed so strong in my heart despite so much time away (it’s been almost a year now) and so many efforts to grieve and move on and let him go. Nothing worked to release me, the desire to be with him stayed strong (even through the finalization of our divorce and him cutting off communication with me), and so I ended up just accepting myself in the middle of that desire even though I didn’t know why or what it meant.
This is the journey of the heart that can be challenging. This is what I talked about on last week’s Coffee Time episode… what happens when your heart leads you into a path that doesn’t make sense? Do you STILL trust it? And I knew my only option, was to trust it, even though so much of me felt CRAZY. I had recorded videos to express the depth of my attachment and desire to be with him again and was Divinely inspired, past my huge fears, to post the first video, in which I vulnerably cried out about my inability to get over him and my belief that we would be together again. It was the scariest thing in the world, and yet I was filled with total peace to post that video. And now I know why. Because the result of posting that video caused a trauma that was the catalyst for finally setting me free from this attachment.
I had already been crying out for truth. I boldly wrote in my journal: “Show me what’s real. If I am in any illusions . . . if I am blind to something here, please show me.”
Well . . . ask, and you shall receive. That is not a prayer that Life ignores. When we are truly ready to wake up, we will. And now that I know WHY I was so attached to Vince and couldn’t let go, I have extreme compassion for myself for this whole journey.
One of my friends watched that first video, and although I am not one to EVER ask for feedback, I was somehow strangely compelled to ask her how the video made her feel.
What happened next was one of the most traumatic, shocking, devastating moments of my life.
Her blunt cutting response instantly shocked me and felt like a knife slicing through my heart. My deepest shame and fears were all brought to the surface on the wings of her words. The blunt force of the worst judgments of my story and my life and how I could be perceived by the world, made it seem like my worst fears were true about me. In that moment, all I could feel was death.
I literally wanted to die.
The utter shame of feeling like I was messed up beyond hope, damaged and broken and crazy . . . I knew I couldn’t face life with that identity. It was scary. I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt. It was a moment of “Who Will Ever Love Me Now?”
And then I thought of Vince. How even HE didn’t love or want me anymore. The one person in my life who had always loved me unconditionally and accepted me in all the deep places of shame in my heart . . . I had even lost HIS love. I was alone. Unlovable.
And that’s when it happened. I realized that I could hold myself in that deepest place of shame. That I could love myself. That I could tell myself a different story. So through my tears and fears and shaking, trembling body I spoke the words out loud to myself:
“I love you Noelle. You’re not damaged beyond repair. I’m super proud of you for the journey you’ve been on this year. You are so brave. You’ve not only faced your biggest fears, but you’ve done it publicly, and that takes a strength and courage that a lot of people only dream of having. You’re a badass. There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m here, and I love you. And it’s ok that Vince isn’t in your life right now. Even if he never loves you again, you’re good. There’s so much good ahead. I love your passion. I love your vulnerability. You’re amazing. You’re so strong. Let’s live.”
And I felt a deep strength and peace that I’d never fully realized before.
And it became clear, over the next few days, that I was free. I was free from my attachment to Vince and our old life, because the attachment was rooted in this deepest place of shame . . . he had been the only one my whole life to hold me in that deep place, so of course I couldn’t let him go.
It was as if letting him go was letting go of life and love itself.
Until I was forced to discover that I could love myself in that deepest place. And once I was able to love myself in that place, I was free.
The attachment to him, the desire for him . . . it’s just gone. My heart is free to walk boldly into my new life.
To love, to live, to BE FULLY and FEARLESSLY ME.
If you’ve gone on this journey with me this year . . THANK YOU for your unconditional love and support. I know it wasn’t easy to watch the roller-coaster ride, and I know a lot of you saw what I didn’t see. For those of you who just loved me and prayed for me along the way . . thank you. For those of you who spoke blunt words to me . . . thank you. I love you all. As I keep saying, 2018 is VERY BRIGHT. I’m free!
AND . . . there might just be a certain dreamy soulful guitarist/songwriter who sees who I am and loves me in all my wild messiness. I might just be spending some enchanted time with him lately . . . 😉
Blessings abound and I’m beyond grateful. My new life is here and I’m boldly embracing it . . . my heart is finally FREE.
With ALL my heart, I love you. <3