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I Was Molested By My Pastor When I Was 9: How I’ve Turned This Trauma Into My Passionate Purpose

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My 9-year-old gut told me something was wrong when my pastor crawled into bed between me and his daughter.

I remember slipping out of bed, going in the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror, panicked beyond my little body’s capacity,

You need to get out of here, Noelle. Sneak past the bed into the kitchen and call Mom.

I quickly and quietly got myself past the bed, into the kitchen, heart racing, and picked up the phone.

As I started dialing my home number, this dark presence called a pastor came up behind me,

slowly put the phone back,

and brought me back to bed.

That night was the beginning of a 20-year-long journey

of forgetting who I was.

Even though we moved away from that little town in Iowa where my traumatic encounters with my pastor had been,

everything in my life changed from that point on:

I went from being joyful and carefree,

to being full of fear,

full of anxiety,

and living in private emotional torture

for most of the next 20 years of my life.

I felt like a split-personality, like I was literally 2 different people:

1) The happy, strong, Christian girl that the world saw,

and

2) the totally freaked out,

depressed,

insecure girl

who was trying to make sense of how ugly and damaged

she knew she was.

This horribly skewed self-concept stayed with me through

many lonely years,

addictions to men and alcohol,

and 2 broken marriages.

And yet if you met me today you would never guess that most of my life has been so painful and broken.

I am a thriving, confident, strong, passionate, purposeful and inspirational leader.

I am working full-time in my dream job as

an inspirational speaker/singer/writer,

I have the husband of my dreams,

and I am using my gifts and passions to help the world.

So how did I transform my trauma into my passionate mission and purpose?

1) I FACED MY REALITY head on – At age 29, my rock bottom moment, (when I realized my 2nd marriage was over)was admitting to myself that my life was a complete mess, and that there was nothing I could do to fix it or make myself more attractive to the world –

this was SCARY!

2) I LET GO of my life – I completely surrendered everything I was hanging on to – anything that had ever given me any hope, such as finding a man to take care of me – I let it ALL go

3) As soon as I let go, I realized that LIFE WAS HOLDING ME, and because I let go of everything that was giving me false hope,

I SAW WHO I REALLY WAS

the lie was revealed for what it was, and in that moment I realized that there had never been ANYTHING wrong with me

4) I let this ONE TRUTH, that I was beautiful and not damaged, transform everything in my life

5) I continued to TRUST:

TO LET GO DAILY, and LET LIFE GUIDE ME

6) I RESTED,

and let LIFE HEAL ME

7) I JOURNALED,

and found NOELLE’s TRUE VOICE

8) I spent LOTS of time with myself, learning my desires and my passions

9) I LET GO of EVERY OTHER VOICE but MINE: the church, friends, family

10) I LET GO OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

11) I learned to LOVE MYSELF and HONOR MYSELF in EVERY MOMENT of MY DAY

12) I LET GO of ALL LIMITING BELIEFS about EVERYTHING

13) I EMBRACED EVERY DREAM, RECAPTURED EVERY DESIRE

14) I EMBRACED my fears and

RAN towards my dreams with ABANDON

The result?

My life is truly magical

I am flowing with the river of life, and

I never have to do anything I don’t want to do.

I am peacefully guided to every next beautiful step on my path.

I don’t have any worries,

or unwanted obligations,

or any hindrances to being

FULLY MYSELF.

Don’t get me wrong – I DO GET SCARED,

because moving towards your dreams and

sharing yourself with the world

is incredibly scary –

but I am fueled by my intense passion to help YOU discover

YOUR radiance,

to help you through the journey

out of your pain

and into your highest destiny.

Whatever your trauma, whatever your pain –

nothing is as big or as insurmountable as it seems.

You can transcend ANY trauma in your life

and walk into a passionate, purposeful life.

If I can do it, you can do it.

You wanna hear something really strange?

I’m thankful for the trauma and the pain.

I would not be the deeply compassionate,

inspirational person I am today

without that intense suffering –

it has molded me perfectly.

So today you have a choice:

1) You can stay stuck in your trauma, believing the lie that it’s too big to overcome, that your life isn’t worth much

OR (this next option is the better one)

2) You can transform your trauma into the greatest passion of your life and inspire others to walk out of the darkness with you!

P.S. Click HERE to watch me on YouTube speaking and singing my incredible story of transformation!

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{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Lois October 10, 2014, 8:25 am

    This is both upsetting and encouraging. There is power is your words because when this kind of wrong is exposed you are no longer the victim. Yet the battle will continue and the darkness may try to suck you back in. If there is anything I can do to support you in this matter,, please feel free to contact me. respectfully, lois

    • Noelle Marie October 10, 2014, 2:54 pm

      Lois – Thank you for your encouragement and support, I appreciate it! Bless you! Love, Noelle

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